Thursday, 28 March 2013

Lounge Dits and Bits



 1. Thou shalt not scrounge, neither shalt thou swing the lead, lest they resting place be the deep waters upon which thou sail.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Petty Officer in vain or thou shalt have thy name inscribed upon the books of the Commander and thou shalt embark on a course of Chokey.

3. Honour the Master at Arms and the R.P.O. all the days of thy service that they credit you thy credits be numbered even as the fishes below thee.

4. Thou shalt not fill thyself to overflowing with beer, or by Royal Warrant thou shalt lose much of thy pay, and the Master at Arms shalt number thee amongst his flock, for it is written that he who drinketh to excess shall bash the square.

5. Six days shalt thou labour and on the seventh thou shalt do twice as much.

6. If it comes to pass that thy zeal and the sweat of thy brow cause mention of thee in the wardroom, and thou art elevated to the dizzy heights of AB, Lo, thou shalt present thy humble body at thy canteen and shall crave thy messmates accept sippers of thy ale all round.

7. Thou shalt not take unto thyself they comrade’s kit, neither shalt thou borrow when the owner thereof is not present or thy sins will be visited upon thee by the quickness of the hand that blacketh the eye.

8. Thou shalt not fritter away they worldly goods by playing Crown and Anchor lest the avenging voice of the R.P.O. be heard to say “Render unto me the names and let thy money remain where it lieth”.

9. Though shalt not kill if the Petty Officer grieveth thee. Thou shalt not smite him, neither shalt thou sling him over the side. Thou shalt go unto the top man and crave audience with him and set forth they grievance with much wailing and gnashing of teeth. He shall open his mouth and words of wisdom shall flow forth, next time it shall be even twice as bad.

10. And when it shall come to pass that thou has finished thy time, thou shalt embark upon the waters and journey thereon until thou reachest thy home port. There thou shalt take thyself strange garments and shall be known as a civvy in the land, and thou shalt study the dole and the drawing thereof, and so for many years thou shalt take it easy and rest from thy labours.

A Submariner is going on leave and gets on the train. Sitting on the seats next to him are a Nun a Vicar and a little girl. Half an hour into the journey the little girl starts crying. "Now now" says the Nun, "What's a lovely little girl like you crying for?". "Well" says the little girl, "I just found out that I am a bastard" and continues crying. The Nun thinks about it for a while and says "You... know, I found out I am a bastard but look at me now, I am a Nun. So not to worry you will be fine". The girl thinks about this for while and then starts crying again. The vicar gets a bit pissed off and says "You know little girl I also found out I am a bastard but look now I am a vicar so all will be fine don't worry". 
The Submariner who is listening to this pulls out a blue liner and says "Hey, any of you bastards got a light?".

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left,phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" ....

Which of the following birds does not built its own nest?

A) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. ?

Dat it is?.

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was a Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf. 
Boudreaux said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.” 
“What's dat?” asks Thibodeaux. 
“Send da lawn away to be mowed."
There was once a sub crewed by Scotsmen, 
The redoubtable men of the North.
She patrolled the Atlantic's grey waters
From her base in the Firth of the Forth

Her Skipper, a dour Aberdonian,
Was known for his tightness with loot,
And much tighter yet with torpedoes,
With a noted reluctance to shoot!

One morning they sighted a tanker
"Let's sink it!" the crew said with glee.
'D'ye know ken the price o' torpedoes? 
Forget it, yon tanker's too wee!".

Now while they discussed the expenses,
A destroyer appeared on the scene,

A German, with five inch artillery,
And she'd spotted the Jock submarine!

They took the boat down in a hurry
While the German came on at a pace.
"Our Skipper'll save us!", the crew said
But the Captain rernained stoney faced!

They sat on the bottom for hours, 
Dead quiet, no man made a sound,
While the German let loose her depth charges
And continued to circle around!

Then a voice echoed out in the silence,
In anguish it cried simply this,
"Just fire a bloody torpedo!
Ah'll foot the bill if ye miss!
Deeps and the Chief Gunnery Instructor

It's the early 60s when one of Her Majesty's sleek black messengers of death enters HM Dockyard, Pompey for dry docking. 'Deeps' the Tanky, an able assistant to the Coxswain and oppo of the Leading Chef is instructed to run an errand to Victory Barracks (as it was called back then) by the Jimmy.

Resplendent in his battery acid honed No.8 trousers, salt encrusted steaming boots, off-grey submarine roll neck sweater and nicely yellowed cap with bow strategically placed over his left eye, our hero enters the Barracks. He strolls across the parade ground contemplating lighting up a DF when the strangulated cry of "that ugly creature there" rents the peace.

A Chief Gunnery Instructor, testicles tightly bound with black masking tape to obtain that required pitch, stands quivering on his mirror-like boots with inch thick soles and 200 polished hobnails. Deeps thinks, 'not me, I'm only a visitor' and ambles on.

The Chief of the Parade, who, as we all know, never runs anywhere, walks at great speed, pace stick clenched firmly under his arm. When he gets in front of our hero he places the tip of his pace stick on Deeps' chest to prevent any escape and eyes him up and down.

Deeps, having suffered the wrath of various submarine Chief Stokers, is totally unfazed by this apparition and awaits the next move.

The Chief of the parade, said in a loud bull horn voice: "There is a bit of Poo on the end of my stick."
Deeps replied: "It's not at my end, Chief!"

Stoker Humour

In a train carriage there was a Lower Level Stoker, an Army Major, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Army Major had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
1) The blonde thought - "That Soldier son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Army Major laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
3) The Army Major thought - "That Stoker put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
4) The Stoker thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that Army Major again.

A bloke walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis. This guy pays his £50.

Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

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