Are you missing life in the Royal Navy?

Are you missing life in the Royal Navy?

Here’s how to recapture the atmosphere of the good old days:-

1. Build a shelf on top of your wardrobe and sleep on it in a small sleeping bag. For added realism rig a fan so it blows warm air in your face.

2. Change all your curtains for ones that are too short.

3. Wash your underwear in a bucket every night then hang it over the water pipes to dry.

4. Four hours after you go to bed, get the wife to whip the covers back, shine a torch in your eyes and say “sorry mate”.

5. Renovate the bathroom – build a wall across the center of the bath and move the shower head to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.

6. When you shower (only once a week) remember to shout at the top of your voice “turning on” and “turning off” when finished.

7. Only use one sheet of toilet paper per visit.

8. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a chair and rock as hard as you can until you feel sick (mandatory for skimmers).

9. Put oil instead of water in the dehumidifier and turn it up high.

10. Don’t watch TV – just old movies in the middle of the night. For added realism have the family vote for a movie then watch a different one.

11. Leave a lawn mower running 24/7 in the middle of the living room.

12. Have the paper boy cut your hair.

13. Once week blow compressed air up your chimney. Make sure the wind carries soot over your neighbours. (skimmers)

14 Buy a rubbish compactor and use it once a week. Store the rubbish on the other side of the bathroom.

15 Devise menus for the family for a week in advance without looking in the fridge or pantry.

16. Set the alarm clock to go off at random times in the night. When it goes off, leap out of bed (or off the wardrobe), run into the garden and run around with the garden hose.

17 Once a month take all the household appliances to bits and put them back together.

18. Use 4 spoons of coffee per cup, allow it to sit for 2 hours before drinking.

19. Invite 85 people you don’t like to come and stay for a month.

20. Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table then lay underneath it and read a book.

21. Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all your doors. Ensure you bang your shins and head when passing through them.

22. Every so often throw the cat in the bath, shout “man overboard” then run in the kitchen and sweep all the pots and pans on the floor. Give the wife a hard time for not securing for sea.

23. Nickname your shoes “steaming bats” and get the kids to hide one of them around the house on a random basis. For added realism, take out a shoe lace

24. Go out with a girl with Tourettes syndrome just to hear someone shout and scream at you for no apparent reason.

25. Get your kids to hide around a corner and when you walk by, throw a bucket of water on you.

26. Mix seven tins of different flavoured soups in a bucket and eat it while looking around to see if anyone else is eating it.

27. As you are about to eat dinner, get someone to shout “starboard 25”. Tip up the table to 30 degrees so everything slides off.

28. Set up 5 tape recorders to play the sounds of 5 different people snoring. Highest volume is mandatory. Play it all night.