*Navy Joke Section*

A Submariner is going on leave and gets on the train. Sitting on the seats next to him are a Nun a Vicar and a little girl. Half an hour into the journey the little girl starts crying. "Now now" says the Nun, "What's a lovely little girl like you crying for?". "Well" says the little girl, "I just found out that I am a bastard" and continues crying. The Nun thinks about it for a while and says "You... know, I found out I am a bastard but look at me now, I am a Nun. So not to worry you will be fine". The girl thinks about this for while and then starts crying again. The vicar gets a bit pissed off and says "You know little girl I also found out I am a bastard but look now I am a vicar so all will be fine don't worry".
The Submariner who is listening to this pulls out a blue liner and says "Hey, any of you bastards got a light?".

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left,phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" ....

Which of the following birds does not built its own nest?

A) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie

d) Cuckoo?"


"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. ?

Dat it is?.

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was a Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

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Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Boudreaux said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat?” asks Thibodeaux.
“Send da lawn away to be mowed."

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There was once a sub crewed by Scotsmen,
The redoubtable men of the North.
She patrolled the Atlantic's grey waters
From her base in the Firth of the Forth

Her Skipper, a dour Aberdonian,
Was known for his tightness with loot,
And much tighter yet with torpedoes,
With a noted reluctance to shoot!

One morning they sighted a tanker
"Let's sink it!" the crew said with glee.
'D'ye know ken the price o' torpedoes?
Forget it, yon tanker's too wee!".

Now while they discussed the expenses,
A destroyer appeared on the scene,
A German, with five inch artillery,
And she'd spotted the Jock submarine!

They took the boat down in a hurry
While the German came on at a pace.
"Our Skipper'll save us!", the crew said
But the Captain rernained stoney faced!

They sat on the bottom for hours,
Dead quiet, no man made a sound,
While the German let loose her depth charges
And continued to circle around!

Then a voice echoed out in the silence,
In anguish it cried simply this,
"Just fire a bloody torpedo!
Ah'll foot the bill if ye miss!"

Prince Charles is visiting an Aberdeen hospital. He enters a ward full of patients
with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm..."
Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the
next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry you and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

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Deeps and the Chief Gunnery Instructor

It's the early 60s when one of Her Majesty's sleek black messengers of death enters HM Dockyard, Pompey for dry docking. 'Deeps' the Tanky, an able assistant to the Coxswain and oppo of the Leading Chef is instructed to run an errand to Victory Barracks (as it was called back then) by the Jimmy.


Resplendent in his battery acid honed No.8 trousers, salt encrusted steaming boots, off-grey submarine roll neck sweater and nicely yellowed cap with bow strategically placed over his left eye, our hero enters the Barracks. He strolls across the parade ground contemplating lighting up a DF when the strangulated cry of "that ugly creature there" rents the peace.

A Chief Gunnery Instructor, testicles tightly bound with black masking tape to obtain that required pitch, stands quivering on his mirror-like boots with inch thick soles and 200 polished hobnails. Deeps thinks, 'not me, I'm only a visitor' and ambles on.


The Chief of the Parade, who, as we all know, never runs anywhere, walks at great speed, pace stick clenched firmly under his arm. When he gets in front of our hero he places the tip of his pace stick on Deeps' chest to prevent any escape and eyes him up and down.


Deeps, having suffered the wrath of various submarine Chief Stokers, is totally unfazed by this apparition and awaits the next move.

The Chief of the parade, said in a loud bull horn voice: "There is a bit of Poo on the end of my stick."
Deeps replied: "It's not at my end, Chief!"

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Stoker Humour

Courtesy of >> http://www.rnsubs.co.uk/Dits/Humour/index.php

In a train carriage there was a Lower Level Stoker, an Army Major, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Army Major had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1) The blonde thought - "That Soldier son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Army Major laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

3) The Army Major thought - "That Stoker put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

4) The Stoker thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that Army Major again.

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Click to Enlarge

Courtesy of >> Dits/Humour

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A bloke walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.

Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis. This guy pays his £50.

Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

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