Lounge Dits and Bits

 

THE LOWER DECK’S TEN COMMANDMENTS

 1. Thou shalt not scrounge, neither shalt thou swing the lead, lest they resting place be the deep waters upon which thou sail.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Petty Officer in vain or thou shalt have thy name inscribed upon the books of the Commander and thou shalt embark on a course of Chokey.
...
3. Honour the Master at Arms and the R.P.O. all the days of thy service that they credit you thy credits be numbered even as the fishes below thee.

4. Thou shalt not fill thyself to overflowing with beer, or by Royal Warrant thou shalt lose much of thy pay, and the Master at Arms shalt number thee amongst his flock, for it is written that he who drinketh to excess shall bash the square.

5. Six days shalt thou labour and on the seventh thou shalt do twice as much.

6. If it comes to pass that thy zeal and the sweat of thy brow cause mention of thee in the wardroom, and thou art elevated to the dizzy heights of AB, Lo, thou shalt present thy humble body at thy canteen and shall crave thy messmates accept sippers of thy ale all round.

7. Thou shalt not take unto thyself they comrade’s kit, neither shalt thou borrow when the owner thereof is not present or thy sins will be visited upon thee by the quickness of the hand that blacketh the eye.

8. Thou shalt not fritter away they worldly goods by playing Crown and Anchor lest the avenging voice of the R.P.O. be heard to say “Render unto me the names and let thy money remain where it lieth”.

9. Though shalt not kill if the Petty Officer grieveth thee. Thou shalt not smite him, neither shalt thou sling him over the side. Thou shalt go unto the top man and crave audience with him and set forth they grievance with much wailing and gnashing of teeth. He shall open his mouth and words of wisdom shall flow forth, next time it shall be even twice as bad.

10. And when it shall come to pass that thou has finished thy time, thou shalt embark upon the waters and journey thereon until thou reachest thy home port. There thou shalt take thyself strange garments and shall be known as a civvy in the land, and thou shalt study the dole and the drawing thereof, and so for many years thou shalt take it easy and rest from thy labours.

 

A Submariner is going on leave and gets on the train. Sitting on the seats next to him are a Nun a Vicar and a little girl. Half an hour into the journey the little girl starts crying. "Now now" says the Nun, "What's a lovely little girl like you crying for?". "Well" says the little girl, "I just found out that I am a bastard" and continues crying. The Nun thinks about it for a while and says "You... know, I found out I am a bastard but look at me now, I am a Nun. So not to worry you will be fine". The girl thinks about this for while and then starts crying again. The vicar gets a bit pissed off and says "You know little girl I also found out I am a bastard but look now I am a vicar so all will be fine don't worry". 
The Submariner who is listening to this pulls out a blue liner and says "Hey, any of you bastards got a light?".

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left,phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" ....

Which of the following birds does not built its own nest?

A) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. ?

Dat it is?.

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was a Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

 

 

 

Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf. 
Boudreaux said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.” 
“What's dat?” asks Thibodeaux. 
“Send da lawn away to be mowed."

 

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There was once a sub crewed by Scotsmen, 
The redoubtable men of the North.
She patrolled the Atlantic's grey waters
From her base in the Firth of the Forth

Her Skipper, a dour Aberdonian,
Was known for his tightness with loot,
And much tighter yet with torpedoes,
With a noted reluctance to shoot!

One morning they sighted a tanker
"Let's sink it!" the crew said with glee.
'D'ye know ken the price o' torpedoes? 
Forget it, yon tanker's too wee!".

Now while they discussed the expenses,
A destroyer appeared on the scene,
A German, with five inch artillery,
And she'd spotted the Jock submarine!

They took the boat down in a hurry
While the German came on at a pace.
"Our Skipper'll save us!", the crew said
But the Captain rernained stoney faced!

They sat on the bottom for hours, 
Dead quiet, no man made a sound,
While the German let loose her depth charges
And continued to circle around!

Then a voice echoed out in the silence,
In anguish it cried simply this,
"Just fire a bloody torpedo!
Ah'll foot the bill if ye miss!

 

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Deeps and the Chief Gunnery Instructor

It's the early 60s when one of Her Majesty's sleek black messengers of death enters HM Dockyard, Pompey for dry docking. 'Deeps' the Tanky, an able assistant to the Coxswain and oppo of the Leading Chef is instructed to run an errand to Victory Barracks (as it was called back then) by the Jimmy.

Resplendent in his battery acid honed No.8 trousers, salt encrusted steaming boots, off-grey submarine roll neck sweater and nicely yellowed cap with bow strategically placed over his left eye, our hero enters the Barracks. He strolls across the parade ground contemplating lighting up a DF when the strangulated cry of "that ugly creature there" rents the peace.

A Chief Gunnery Instructor, testicles tightly bound with black masking tape to obtain that required pitch, stands quivering on his mirror-like boots with inch thick soles and 200 polished hobnails. Deeps thinks, 'not me, I'm only a visitor' and ambles on.

The Chief of the Parade, who, as we all know, never runs anywhere, walks at great speed, pace stick clenched firmly under his arm. When he gets in front of our hero he places the tip of his pace stick on Deeps' chest to prevent any escape and eyes him up and down.

Deeps, having suffered the wrath of various submarine Chief Stokers, is totally unfazed by this apparition and awaits the next move.

The Chief of the parade, said in a loud bull horn voice: "There is a bit of Poo on the end of my stick."
Deeps replied: "It's not at my end, Chief!"

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Stoker Humour

Courtesy of  http://www.rnsubs.co.uk/Dits/Humour/index.php

 

In a train carriage there was a Lower Level Stoker, an Army Major, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Army Major had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

 

1) The blonde thought - "That Soldier son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Army Major laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

 

3) The Army Major thought - "That Stoker put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

 

4) The Stoker thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that Army Major again.

 

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A bloke walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.

 

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

 

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.

 

Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis. This guy pays his £50.

Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

 

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

Mission for Sam

 

The NHS have agreed to fund us to go for proton treatment!!! This is the best news we could have hoped for! We know that the funding does not cover everything so the fundraising we have done already will be needed. They will be sending us details of exactly what they are funding in the next few days. As soon as we know, we'll let you know. THANK you SO much for all your support so far, we will not be stopping fundraising, we know they don't cover anything like illnesses that occur from the treatment. We WILL be starting a charity with whatever's left when Sam is well again, so we really hope that you will all continue to support us

  

One of our Comrades Grandsons has an inoperable brain tumour. There is, however, treatment available in the USA, a proton blaster that can get to the tumour.

 Now here is the catch, the treatment costs are going to exceed £100,000 .... IF the family cant get it from the NHS, ( which is unlikely.)

The name of our comrade, CCWEA Bob John, Who served on Repulse (Port) Feb 1972, left April 1974 - rate CWEA

 Joined Repulse (again) Feb 1978 left Jan 1981) - rate CCWEA.
...
If you can help and would like to donate, please go to the website link below.

Many thanks in anticipation on behalf of Bob & Family

Link to Steve ( The boys Dad, Bobs son ) via:

www.thinkingshrinking.co.uk

 

Also on Facebook

 

Mission for Sam - Lets make it Happen  

Sam was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour in 2006

He was 9 years old when he was diagnosed with a brain tumour on his mid-brain at the top of his brain stem. While his tumour is low grade, it's position makes even a partial re-section an impossibility without catastrophic consequences.


Treatment.

Among other things, Sam has endured almost 2 years of chemotherapy in the 7 years he's been fighting this illness. Despite many difficulties, the treatment achieved it's objective, to slow the progression of the condition for long enough to allow Sam's maturing brain to finish growing.

He now needs radio therapy & has been recommended for proton treatment. This is not available in the UK & we are hoping to raise enough money to send Sam to Jacksonville, Florida for the treatment he so desperately needs.

Latest estimate on funds raised so far ....
At least £48 007.25 Thanks so much to everyone.

 

Contact Us

Submariners Lounge Polo Shirts

Ensign Motifs is probably the only company that started life beneath the waves of the Atlantic Ocean. Chris Feeney and Tony Page previously worked together in the Royal Navy when they were serving on board the Polaris Submarine, HMS Resolution. In 1980 they started a small operation offering garments and souvenirs to their shipmates. As word spread, they received an increasing number of requests from other ships and submarines who also wanted their own items produced. Five years later, Chris and Tony retired to concentrate on developing their fast expanding business. The rest, as they say, is history.

 http://www.ensignmotifs.co.uk/about.html

You can purchase the Polo shirts by Contacting

Ensign Motifs
Address: Portkil Bay, Kilcreggan. Argyll. G84 0JQ
Telephone: +44 (0) 1436 84 2581 or 2716
FAX: +44 (0) 1436 842854
E-mail: sales@ensignmotifs.co.uk
Website : http://www.ensignmotifs.co.uk/

Submariners Lounge  Add friends to group 

SS11 Polo-Shirt with embroidery - £11.00 + Vat Each – If names are required, please add an additional £3.00 + Vat per shirt.

Qty 1-2 Polo Shirt Carriage £5.00 + Vat

If bulk ordering the carriage will be £8.00 + Vat per box up to 30kg.

Onboard HMS Vanguard

 

 

 

 

 

 

Onboard HMS Vanguard.

Photograph: Epicscotland/Chris James

At any moment, one of Britain's four Trident submarines is out there, somewhere, patrolling a continent-sized patch of the Atlantic. When the 160-strong crew slip beneath the waves off Scotland's west coast, that's the last anyone sees of them for three months. Powered by a nuclear reactor, the submarines are almost silent and virtually undetectable. While on patrol, direct communication with navy bosses back home ceases, so potential enemies cannot intercept any signals. The crew are almost completely cut off from the outside world.

"Initially there is a sense of euphoria when the telephones are disconnected," says Commander Julian Ferguson, who captained HMS Vengeance on four patrols before retiring in 2006. "You think, thank God for that. You're on your own."

 

As captain, Ferguson knew where they were going, as did the navigator, but their superiors at base only knew the approximate area they would patrol. An aerial trails behind the submarine, to pick up radio signals from Britain if the prime minister presses the nuclear button. It also relays brief messages from the crew's families once a week; the sailors cannot reply.

 

If there was nuclear war and the captain was unable to communicate with base, there is a personal letter on board written by the prime minister to the captain. The contents are top secret but it is thought that the instructions include allying with the US, travelling to Australia if Europe has been destroyed and, ultimately, firing the weapons. The missiles cannot be launched by one man alone; the crew are not told what they are aiming at.

 

The crew first come together when the submarine is docked at Faslane, in Scotland, for a thorough service. After tests and training exercises, the vessel is stocked with enough food to last three months and heads out into the Atlantic. Far beneath the waves, it is untroubled by rough seas.

 

The crews are all-male. In fact, life as a submariner is seen as a favourable option for married men; their wives don't mind them being away for three months when there is no chance of raucous misbehaviour. "The atmosphere is very similar to a boarding school," says Ferguson. "Whatever your background, there is a sense of obligation to make the best of it and get on with it. That's a very constructive motivator."

 

One problem, says Ferguson, is preventing the crew becoming bored. The submarines must do manoeuvres, and crews practice targeting their weapons, but most of the work is watch-keeping. When not on duty, some sailors do Open University courses; most work out in the gym. Each has their own bed – but not bedroom – and they wind down by listening to iPods or watching DVDs. "Every sailor seems to have a laptop these days to show himself God knows what on his bunk," says Ferguson.

 

As captain, he maintained morale by ensuring the crew kept doing things together, whether it was unannounced drills, quizzes or gameshow nights. Towards the end of his patrols, a "sods' opera" would be organised with impressions, piss-takes, songs and, invariably, cross-dressing "stokers" with their beer bellies hanging over tutus.

 

Even in peace time, however, this is a risky business. In 2009, HMS Vanguard collided with the French nuclear submarine Le Triomphant. And the unexpected can always strike. Although there is a doctor on board, when one of his crew suffered appendicitis, Ferguson had to steer his submarine to a safe spot and call base for a helicopter. Vengeance surfaced and the sailor was airlifted to safety.

 

Is there ever any risk of unrest on board, as in films such as Crimson Tide? Ferguson says he cannot imagine any mutiny. As well as being extensively security checked, the crew's intensive training exposes any doubts about the mission. "You're not in the business of taking people you can't vouch for," he says. Now and again, a sailor will have a crisis of conscience; they usually go to the chaplain and if they don't resolve their reservations they leave the service.

 

When the voyage ends, "there is almost a feeling of anticlimax," he says. "As soon as the hatch opens and you get the welcoming party onboard, it's almost as if you've been invaded. You've been a self-sufficient community for three months – it's like, 'Who are these people?' The spell is broken.

 

"I would go straight back and do it this afternoon," he adds. "It is an extremely satisfying thing to do, but all the time you have to discipline yourself to say this doesn't go on forever; the subs are not yours, they are the Queen's and she is just lending them to you for a finite period of time."

 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2010/may/20/trident-submarine-captain-life-onboard

Royal Navy welcomes HMS Ambush to fleet

 

 

 

HMS AMBUSH COMMISSIONING CEREMONY.

 

HMS AMBUSH, the latest ASTUTE CLASS nuclear powered hunter-killer submarine, was commissioned into service at HM Naval Base Clyde on 1st of March 2013.

HMS AMBUSH is the second of seven planned ASTUTE class submarines and the third Royal Naval vessel to bear that name.
 HMS AMBUSH wqas laid down in Barrow-in-Furness on 22 October 2003 and officially named on 16 December 2010 by her sponsor, Lady Anne Soar.

Launched on 6 Jan 2011, AMBUSH underwent a period of complex system tests, completing her initial dive on 30 September 2011. AMBUSH departed Barrow for sea trials on 15 Sept 2012 and arrived in her home port of FASLANE on the 19 September 2012.

 

 

>> Photos courtesy of The Royal Navy FB Group <<

 

Britain's most advanced attack submarine HMS Ambush has officially joined the Royal Navy fleet following a ceremony.

Head of the Navy Admiral Sir Mark Stanhope attended the service at Faslane naval base on the Clyde where the 7,400-tonne sub was granted her official title.

HMS Ambush, the second of the Navy's Astute-class attack submarines, was launched in January 2011 at the BAE Systems shipyard in Barrow-in-Furness, Cumbria.

The nuclear-powered submarine arrived at her home port of HM Naval Base Clyde in September last year where she has been undergoing sea trials before entering operational service later this year.
The 97-metre Astute-class submarines are designed for coastal and deep sea tasks and are capable of destroying submarines and surface ships.

HMS Ambush Commanding Officer Peter Green said: "The crew are immensely proud to mark the commissioning and to see the culmination of many months of hard work readying HMS Ambush for service with the Royal Navy.
"The crew are looking forward to the challenges ahead and to exploring the full range of the submarine's capabilities before she enters full operational service later this year."
The vessel's sponsor, Lady Anne Soar, spoke with naval officers during the hour-long ceremony held in bright sunshine.

Around 500 invited guests, among them relatives of the HMS Ambush crew, sang hymns and listened as prayers were read.

Commander Green called on the boat's company to bless the submarine, and the naval men and women turned to face the vessel as God Save The Queen was played by the Band of Her Majesty's Royal Marines, Scotland.

The tradition of the commissioning ceremony dates to the time when Britain had no standing navy. Any merchant ship sailing under the English flag could be called upon to fight.
Henry VIII was the first monarch to provide a permanent fleet of ships and these were commissioned as they entered service.

All seven of the Astute-class submarines will eventually be based on the Clyde.
HMS Astute entered service in August 2010. The others are Artful, Audacious, Anson, and two are as yet unnamed
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Admiral Stanhope, known as the First Sea Lord, said: "These vessels represent the cutting edge of military technology and the future of UK submarine operations for many years to come. The Astute-class vessels will contribute significantly to our mission of protecting the UK's interests worldwide."
Commander Green, 47, was previously in charge of HMS Trafalgar. The married father-of-three, who lives in Lancaster and who has been in the Navy for 30 years, said it is a privilege to be part of HMS Ambush.

"I have a remarkable crew who work very hard for me and have delivered some very impressive results over the last 12 months. We've still got some more sea tests to do and we'll be returning to sea within the next couple of weeks," he said.

Lieutenant Jason McEvoy, 40, deputy weapon engineer officer on Ambush, said he is proud to be part of what he described as a historic occasion.

Describing submarine life, the father-of-two from Dunfermline said: "You can imagine it's quite confined but we're that busy down there either watch-keeping or sleeping or just working away. Time goes quite quickly. You just get on with it."