Tuesday 26 April 2011

Royal Navy Subs

Swiftsure Class



The Royal Navy's Swiftsure class of nuclear fleet submarines (SSN) until December 2010, was the oldest of the three classes of fleet submarine in service with the RN.

Six boats were built and commissioned. HMS Swiftsure was decommissioned in 1992 due to damage suffered to her pressure hull during trials. HMS Splendid followed in 2004 after defence cuts caused a reduction in the size of the RN SSN fleet. HMS Spartan was decommissioned in January 2006, with HMS Sovereign following on 12 September 2006. HMS Superb was decommissioned on 26 September 2008. The remaining boat in the class, HMS Sceptre,was decommissioned in December 2010.They are being replaced by the Astute-class submarines.
A few were upgraded to be able to use Tomahawk missiles in addition to their original armaments of torpedoes, mines and anti-ship missiles.

Design

The Dreadnought, Valiant and Improved-Valiant classes all had a "whale-shaped hull", of "near-perfect streamlining giving maximum underwater efficiency". The hulls were of British design, "based on the pioneering work of the US Navy in Skipjack and Albacore."The hull of the Swiftsure was a different shape and maintained its diameter for a much greater length than previous classes. Compared with the Valiants the Swiftsures were 13 feet "shorter with a fuller form, with the fore-planes set further forward, with one less torpedo tube and with a deeper diving depth."

A second major change was in propulsion. Rather than the seven/nine-bladed propeller used by the previous classes, all but the first of the Swiftsure-class submarines used a shrouded pump-jet propulsor. The prototype propulsor had powered the Churchill. It is not clear why the Swiftsure was the only one of the class not fitted with a propulsor. The propulsor was perhaps as much as 50% more efficient than a propeller, producing the same speed at lower revolutions, thus reducing the noise signature. In addition all pipework connections to equipment on the main machinery raft had expansion/flexible coupling connections, which also reduced noise. The US Navy secured a licence to copy the main shaft flexible coupling arrangement in US-built submarines.

 Builder: Vickers Shipbuilding and Engineering Ltd
 Displacement: 4400 tons standard; 4900 tons submerged
 Length: 83 m
 Beam: 9.8 m
 Draught: 8.5 m
 Complement: 13 officers, 103 ratings
 Armament: 5 tubes capable of firing: Spearfish torpedoes
 Tigerfish torpedoes
 RN Sub Harpoon missiles
 Tomahawk missiles (selected submarines only)

 Sensors: sonar (bow, flank, active intercept, and towed array sonar)
 periscopes (attack and search)
 collision avoidance radar






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Trafalgar Class



The Trafalgar class is a refinement of the Swiftsure class and designed six years later than its predecessor. The design included a new reactor core and Type 2020 sonar. Internal layout is almost identical to the Swiftsure, and it is only 2.5 metres longer. The Trafalgar class have strengthened fins and retractable hydroplanes, allowing them to surface through thick ice. The hull is also covered in anechoic tiles which are designed to absorb sound rather than reflect it, making the boats more difficult to detect with active sonar.

The first Trafalgar-class submarine was ordered on 7 April 1977 and completed in 1983. Turbulent was ordered on 28 July 1978; Tireless on 5 July 1979; Torbay on 26 June 1981; Trenchant on 22 March 1983; Talent on 10 September 1984; and finally Triumph on 3 July 1986.

In 1993 Triumph sailed to Australia, covering a distance of 41,000 miles whilst submerged and without any forward support. This marked the longest solo deployment by any British nuclear submarine.

The Trafalgar class was to be replaced by the Future Attack Submarine, however this project was effectively cancelled in 2001 and replaced by the Maritime Underwater Future Capability. The Astute class will eventually replace the Trafalgar class as well as the now-retired Swiftsure. As of 2008 it is planned that the last Trafalgar-class submarines will remain in service until 2022. The name Trafalgar refers to the Battle of Trafalgar fought between the Royal Navy and the combined fleets of France and Spain.

                                                             More Details available here


                          Click Here >> Multimedia Centre Interactive Tour of Trafalgar class

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Vanguard Class




Beneath the oceans of the world, somewhere, silently and undetected, lies a British submarine.
It is carrying 16 nuclear tipped ballistic missiles and up to 160 men.
Its role is very straightforward: to maintain a constant readiness to unleash nuclear retaliation if the order ever comes.
The aim: to deter any pre-emptive attack on the United Kingdom.
Trident subs are 30 yards longer than a football pitch
The Royal Navy has four of these Vanguard class boats and one always has to be cruising the depths to provide a "continuous at-sea deterrent", the argument being that a weapon based on land would be too vulnerable to a surprise attack.
The vessels themselves are huge. 30 yards longer than a football pitch, or 18 double-decker busses long.
But if the technology of both submarine and missiles are remarkable and very different from other branches of armed forces, then so is the crew.
They see themselves as the Navy's elite, the Dolphins on their uniform as prized as a paratrooper's wings.
As they rehearse their launch drill, the uniqueness of their role in the British armed forces becomes apparent as the guardians of the nation's nuclear arsenal.

Virtually incommunicado for three months at a time, each sailor receives only two 60-word "family grams" a week to which he cannot reply.
600 meals a day
The officers and crew operate in a non-stop cycle of six hours 'on' and six 'off'.

In the downtime, the sailors grab some sleep, study for educational qualifications or take turns in the predictably tiny gym.
In such an environment, it is hardly surprising, as the commanding officer concedes, that the sub's chef is probably "the second most important person" aboard.
His role is to prepare four meals a day for the officers and ratings. With over 600 covers in a galley substantially smaller than your average domestic kitchen. And the fresh food runs out after a month.
The problems of storing food are not the only aspects of life on board which seem strangely reminiscent of Admiral Lord Nelson's HMS Victory, rather than what you might expect on a 21st century modern Vanguard-class submarine.
The accommodation, wrapped around each of the missile tubes is beyond cramped.
The bunks are stacked four high, with 12 men in each tiny compartment.

No wonder that officers told us that tolerance was the single characteristic that submariners share.
Despite her sophisticated internal guidance system, nuclear-powered propulsion, stealthy design and an armament that a sailor at Trafalgar could never have envisaged, this man o'war, like Nelson's flagship, relies on the skill and resilience of a unique breed of seafarer to keep it patrolling the depths, somewhere in the world's vast oceans.


Courtesy of http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8408383.stm



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Astute Class



HMS Astute,is quieter than any of her predecessors, meaning she has the ability to operate covertly and remain undetected in almost all circumstances despite being fifty per cent bigger than any attack submarine in the Royal Navy's current fleet.
The latest nuclear-powered technology means she will never need to be refuelled and can circumnavigate the world submerged, manufacturing the crew's oxygen from seawater as she goes.

The submarine has the capacity to carry a mix of up to 38 Spearfish heavyweight torpedoes and Tomahawk land-attack cruise missiles, and can target enemy submarines, surface ships and land targets with pinpoint accuracy, while her world-beating sonar system has a range of 3,000 nautical miles (5,500km).




Astute is the largest, most advanced and most formidable vessel of its kind
ever operated by the Royal Navy.  She incorporates the latest stealth technology
combined with a world beating sonar system and equipped with Spearfish torpedoes
and state of the art Tomahawk land attack missiles to make her a supremely
effective naval asset. 

The Astute class will progressively replace the Swiftsure and Trafalgar
classes from 2011. 
Displacing 7,400 tonnes and measuring 97 metres from bow to propulsor, Astute
is significantly larger than the Swiftsure and Trafalgar class submarines that
she will replace but requires fewer crew to operate her due to the advanced
technology and automated systems on board.


When she becomes operational on completion of Sea Trials she will be capable
of circumnavigate the globe without surfacing and with the advance of nuclear
technology she will never need refuelling. 
Astute is designed to fulfil a range of key strategic and tactical roles
including anti-ship and anti-submarine operations, surveillance and intelligence
gathering and support for land forces.

"Astute will be a quantum leap in capability from the Trafalgar class and 
all involved can be justifiably proud”.

DE&S Director Submarines, Rear Admiral Simon Lister.

The Future Role of The Submarine

The role of the submarine in the Royal Navy is changing as Rear Admiral
Stevens, Flag Officer Submarines (FOSM), explained recently.


"The services SSN community has made a decisive break away from its Cold War
emphasis on anti-submarine warfare (ASW)to embrace the Navy's new operational
concept of Maritime Contributions to Joint Operations. The challenge now is to
realise the full potential of the SSN across its wider range of taskings.
Operations in direct support of surface forces are becoming a far more important
part of the submarine service's operations.
"The introduction of new secure communications links will provide the
improved connectivity essential for operating in conjunction with other task
force units. Advances in the technological areas of digitisation,
miniaturisation and processing of information gathered, will enable the
submarine to become an increasingly valuable asset in covert intelligence
gathering operations."

About HMS Astute
She is 97 metres from bow to stern.
She has a beam of 11.2 metres.
She displaces 7,400 tonnes of seawater.
Her cabling and pipework would stretch from Glasgow to Dundee.
She is the first Royal Navy submarine not to have a traditional periscope, instead using electro-optics to capture a 360-degree image of the surface for subsequent analysis by the commanding officer.
 Astute is the first submarine to have an individual bunk for each crew member.
She manufactures her own oxygen from seawater as well as her own drinking water.
 She could theoretically remain submerged for her 25-year life, if it were not for the need to restock the crew's food supplies.
 She is faster under the water than she is on the surface - capable of speeds in excess of 20 knots (37km/h), although her top speed is classified.



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HM Naval Bases


HMNB Devonport




Her Majesty's Naval Base (HMNB) Devonport (HMS Drake), is one of three operating bases in the United Kingdom for the Royal Navy (the others being HMNB Clyde and HMNB Portsmouth). HMNB Devonport is located in Devonport, in the west of the city of Plymouth in Devon, England. It is the largest naval base in Western Europe and is the sole nuclear repair and refuelling facility for the Royal Navy. The collocated Royal Dockyard is owned and operated by the Marine division of Babcock International Group (BM), who took over the previous owner Devonport Management Limited (DML) in 2007. The BM operation is commonly called Devonport Royal Dockyard.


The Naval base at Devonport is nicknamed Guz by naval ratings. One suggestion is that this originates from the word guzzle (to eat or drink greedily), which is likely to refer to the eating of cream teas, a West Country delicacy and, therefore, one with strong connections to the area around Plymouth However, there are three or four myths around the reason for the nickname, this is just one of them.

Devonport Flotilla



Ships based at the port are known as the Devonport Flotilla. This includes the Navy's assault ships HMS Ocean and HMS Bulwark. It also serves as home port to most of the hydrographic surveying fleet of the Royal Navy and Type 23 frigates The previous Commodore of the Devonport Flotilla was Commodore Peter Walpole ADC who assumed command in September 2005.


Amphibious Assault Ships

HMS Ocean Landing Platform Helicopter (LPH)
HMS Albion Landing Platform Dock (Mothballed)
HMS Bulwark Landing Platform Dock (LPD)


Type 22 frigates

HMS Campbeltown
HMS Cornwall
HMS Chatham
HMS Cumberland


Note that the above are Scrapped.


Type 23 frigates

HMS Argyll
HMS Monmouth
HMS Montrose
HMS Northumberland
HMS Portland
HMS Somerset
HMS Sutherland


Trafalgar class submarines

HMS Torbay
HMS Trenchant
HMS Talent
HMS Triumph


Surveying squadron

HMS Echo
HMS Enterprise
HMS Gleaner
HMS Scott


Other ships based at Devonport

RFA Argus (A135)

HMS Raider (P275)


Plymouth Hoe

The Hoe is a popular area for Plymothians and visitors. There is always a great deal of activity on the water, including frequent warship movements, ferries going and coming from France and Spain, fishing trawlers and a swarm of larger and smaller sailing boats. The Fastnet yacht race ends here. The annual two-day British Firework Championships attracts tens of thousands of spectators.
Plymouth Hoe is perhaps best known for Sir Francis Drake played his famous game of bowls here in 1588 before sailing out with the English fleet to engage with the Spanish Armada.


In the late 1660s, after The Restoration, a large stone fortress known as the Royal Citadel, was built at the eastern end of the Hoe. Its purpose was to protect the port and probably also to intimidate the townsfolk who had leaned towards Parliament during the Civil War.


There is an imposing series of Victorian terraces to the west of the naval memorial which previously continued to the Grand Hotel and, until it was destroyed by bombing, the grand clubhouse of the Royal Western Yacht Club. The club then merged with the Royal Southern and occupied that club's older premises which it had created from the regency public steam baths by the basin at West Hoe before the rejuvenated club moved in the late 1980s to Queen Anne Battery.
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HMNB Portsmouth


Click to Enlarge

Her Majesty's Naval Base (HMNB) Portsmouth (HMS Nelson) is one of three operating bases in the United Kingdom for the British Royal Navy (the others being HMNB Clyde and HMNB Devonport). Portsmouth naval base is part of the city of Portsmouth, located on the eastern shore of Portsmouth Harbour north of the Solent and Isle of Wight.
The base is home to the oldest surviving dry dock in the world, as well as being the base port for two thirds of the Royal Navy's surface fleet. The base is home to a number of commercial shore activities including shipbuilding and ship repair (operated by BAE Systems Surface Ships); naval logistics, accommodation and messing (delivered by Fleet Support Limited); and personnel support functions (e.g. medical and dental; education; pastoral and welfare) provided by Defence Equipment and Support.


The base is the oldest in the Royal Navy, has been a vital part of its history and the defence of the British Isles for centuries and was at its height the largest industrial site in the world.The Naval Base is also home to the Portsmouth Historic Dockyard, which allows members of the public to visit important maritime attractions such as the Mary Rose, HMS Victory and HMS Warrior.
Portsmouth naval base is home to two thirds of the Royal Navy's surface ships. The naval base employs 17,200 people. In addition, Portsmouth will help build and be the home port of the two new Royal Navy aircraft carriers ordered in 2008, HMS Queen Elizabeth and HMS Prince of Wales. This has secured the base's future for the next forty years and will revitalise shipbuilding in the city.

HMS Dolphin (shore establishment)

HMS Dolphin closed as a submarine base on 30 September 1998, although the last RN submarine permanently based at Gosport was HMS Ursula which had left 4 years earlier in 1994. The Royal Navy Submarine School (RNSMS) remained at Dolphin until 23 December 1999 when it closed prior to relocation to HMS Raleigh. The RNSMS staff marched into HMS Raleigh and were welcomed onboard by Commodore Lockwood on 31 January 2000. The RNSMS is located in the Dolphin and Astute blocks at Raleigh, although the Submarine Escape Training Tower (SETT), a 30m deep tank of water used to instruct all RN submariners in pressurised escape, remains at the same site, now renamed Fort Blockhouse.

Submarine museum

The Royal Navy Submarine Museum is still sited nearby on Haslar Jetty Road next to Fort Blockhouse and Royal Naval Hospital Haslar.

The Portsmouth Flotilla

Invincible class aircraft carriers

HMS Invincible (R05) Scrapped 
HMS Illustrious (R06)  Laid up 
HMS Ark Royal (R07) Scrapped

Type 45 Destroyers

HMS Daring  
HMS Dauntless  
HMS Diamond 
HMS Dragon
HMS Defender
HMS Duncan

Type 23 Frigates

HMS Kent
HMS St Albans
HMS Lancaster
HMS Iron Duke
HMS Westminster
HMS Richmond

Hunt class mine countermeasures vessels

HMS Ledbury
HMS Cattistock
HMS Brocklesby
HMS Middleton
HMS Chiddingfold
HMS Atherstone
HMS Hurworth
HMS Quorn

River class patrol vessels

HMS Clyde
HMS Tyne
HMS Severn
HMS Mersey


Antarctic Patrol Ship

HMS Endurance Scrapped

HMS Protector


Archer class patrol vessels

HMS Tracker (P274)
HMS Blazer (P279)
HMS Ranger (P293)

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HMNB Clyde

Click to enlarge
                            
                                                                   Faslane Naval Base

Situated on the Gare Loch, and the RN Armaments Depot Coulport on Loch Long, are the primary components of HM Naval Base Clyde. The Naval shore establishment at Faslane is HMS Neptune. Both the Gareloch and Loch Long are sea lochs extending northwards from the Firth of Clyde. The base serves as home base to the United Kingdom's fleet of Vanguard-class nuclear-powered and nuclear-armed submarines, as well as conventionally-armed nuclear powered submarines, supported by the Fleet Protection Group Royal Marines.

In command of HMNB Clyde is the Naval Base Commander (Clyde), Commodore C J Hockley. The base is home to a number of lodger units including Flag Officer Scotland, Northern England and Northern Ireland (FOSNNI) (who is also Flag Officer Reserves/FORes), the Northern Diving Group and the Scottish Headquarters of the Ministry of Defence Police and Guarding Agency. It is base to 3,000 service personnel, 800 of their families and 4,000 civilian workers, largely from Babcock Marine, forming a major part of the economy of Argyll and Bute and West Dunbartonshire.

Faslane was first constructed and used as a base in World War II. During the 1960s, the United Kingdom began negotiating the Polaris Sales Agreement with the United States regarding the purchase of a Polaris missile system to fire UK-built Nuclear weapons from five specially constructed submarines. In the end, only four were constructed; Resolution, Repulse, Renown and Revenge. These four submarines were permanently based at Faslane.

Faslane itself was chosen as the base at the height of the Cold War because of its geographic position, which forms a bastion on the relatively secluded but deep and easily navigable Gare Loch and Firth of Clyde on the west coast of Scotland. This position provides for rapid and stealthy access through the North Channel to the submarine patrolling areas in the North Atlantic, through the GIUK gap to the Norwegian Sea. One boat was always on patrol at any given time. In times of political instability, sometimes two boats would be deployed at sea.

Vanguard class SSBNs

In the 1980s, the British Government announced plans to replace the Resolution class submarines carrying UGM-27 Polaris with the newly developed Trident missile system on the new Vanguard class submarines, also to be based at Faslane. These submarines were named:

Astute class SSNs

HMS Astute (S119) arrived at home port, Faslane, for the first time on the 20th November 2009. Faslane will be home port to the Astute class submarine SSNs for the foreseeable future.


HMS Astute is the lead ship of her class of nuclear-powered Fleet submarines. Commissioned in August 2010, Astute is one of the most "advanced submarines in the world".

HMS Ambush


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Helensburgh

Helensburgh today acts as a commuter town for nearby Glasgow, with a population at the 2004 census of 20,626, and also serves as a main shopping centre for the area and for tourists attracted to the seaside resort. Helensburgh is also influenced by the presence of the Clyde Naval Base at Faslane on the Gare Loch, a major local employer. The town is a popular destination for day trippers.

The town is served by three railway stations, Helensburgh Upper on the West Highland Line, Craigendoran, on the North Clyde Line and Helensburgh Central, the terminus of the North Clyde Line.

The seafront has an indoor swimming pool, an esplanade walk and sailing facilities including Helensburgh Sailing Club.and the nearby marina at Rhu just beyond the town boundary. The streets are built on a gentle slope rising to the north east, and at the brow of the hill a golf club has views looking south out over the town to the Clyde, and to the north across nearby Loch Lomond to the Trossachs hills.

A regular passenger ferry service runs from Helensburgh pier to Kilcreggan and Gourock, (until 2007 the historic ferry Kenilworth was used on this route); Craigendoran pier fell into disuse in the late 20th century. The paddle steamer Waverley calls in to Helensburgh pier during summer sailings.

In a recent study, Helensburgh was shown to be the second most expensive town in which to buy property in Scotland.

The town is used extensively for the local Naval Base, Faslane which is the site that houses the British nuclear deterrent fleet of Vanguard class submarines. The base is only six miles away from the town. A significant amount of income for the town is generated by the base, its submarines and visiting vessels alike.

Helensburgh is home to a number of annual events, with the local branch of Round Table running an annual fireworks display on Guy Fawkes Night and hosting a Real Ale Festival at the Victoria Halls.

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Faslane HIVE

Faslane HIVE
Families Centre
Churchill Square
Churchill Estate
Helensburgh
G84 9HL


Email: faslane.hive@rncom.mod.uk
Tel: 01436 678029
Fax: 01436 675391

Opening Hours: Mon-Thurs: 0800-1530hrs Fri: 0800-1300hrs

HMNB Clyde at Faslane is situated on the shores of the Gareloch, approximately 30 miles north of Glasgow on the West Coast of Scotland. This is an area of outstanding beauty with its many lochs and mountains. For those who enjoy hill walking or mountain climbing this is an ideal location. For the slightly less energetic there are plenty of places to take gentle walks, through woods, open countryside or by the lochs. However, you could always just sit back and admire the view.

At HM Naval Base Clyde there is an excellent Sportsdrome, Adventurous Training, Ski & Snowboarding Centre, & Sailing Club. There is a Spar shop, a Barber, and Post Office. Spouses are welcome to use the Chaplaincy and Sports facilities once they have a Base Pass (the HIVE Officer can advise on how to get a Pass). More info on all activities in the area can be found on HIVE Info Sheet 2B 'Sport & Recreation'.
Advice/Information Here >> Royal Navy Housing

Estate 'is no hotbed of racism'

Residents of Churchill Estate in Helensburgh say it is NOT a crime-ridden ghetto where residents are targeted with racial abuse and vandalism - as claimed in a Sunday newspaper.
In fact, the figures show that Churchill is probably one of the best policed crime free housing estates in the West of Scotland and residents are furious about the undermining of years of hard work by the red top Sunday.
For example, in 2006 there were 21 youths reported for drinking in public on the estate in 2009 there has been ONE.
In the same period the figures show that reports of "youth annoyance" have dropped from 43 to seven and reports of youth disturbances have fallen from 12 to 2.
Full Report here >>  No Hotbed of Racism
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"The Famous "Imps"

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 Facebook  >> Helensburgh Heroes 
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Wednesday 13 April 2011

*Navy Joke Section*




A Submariner is going on leave and gets on the train. Sitting on the seats next to him are a Nun a Vicar and a little girl. Half an hour into the journey the little girl starts crying. "Now now" says the Nun, "What's a lovely little girl like you crying for?". "Well" says the little girl, "I just found out that I am a bastard" and continues crying. The Nun thinks about it for a while and says "You... know, I found out I am a bastard but look at me now, I am a Nun. So not to worry you will be fine". The girl thinks about this for while and then starts crying again. The vicar gets a bit pissed off and says "You know little girl I also found out I am a bastard but look now I am a vicar so all will be fine don't worry".
The Submariner who is listening to this pulls out a blue liner and says "Hey, any of you bastards got a light?".


Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left,phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" ....

Which of the following birds does not built its own nest?

A) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie

d) Cuckoo?"


"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. ?

Dat it is?.

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was a Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

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Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Boudreaux said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat?” asks Thibodeaux.
“Send da lawn away to be mowed."

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There was once a sub crewed by Scotsmen,
The redoubtable men of the North.
She patrolled the Atlantic's grey waters
From her base in the Firth of the Forth
Her Skipper, a dour Aberdonian,
Was known for his tightness with loot,
And much tighter yet with torpedoes,
With a noted reluctance to shoot!
One morning they sighted a tanker
"Let's sink it!" the crew said with glee.
'D'ye know ken the price o' torpedoes?
Forget it, yon tanker's too wee!".
Now while they discussed the expenses,
A destroyer appeared on the scene,

A German, with five inch artillery,
And she'd spotted the Jock submarine!
They took the boat down in a hurry
While the German came on at a pace.
"Our Skipper'll save us!", the crew said
But the Captain rernained stoney faced!
They sat on the bottom for hours,
Dead quiet, no man made a sound,
While the German let loose her depth charges
And continued to circle around!
Then a voice echoed out in the silence,
In anguish it cried simply this,
"Just fire a bloody torpedo!
Ah'll foot the bill if ye miss!"



Prince Charles is visiting an Aberdeen hospital. He enters a ward full of patients
with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm..."
Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the
next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."



Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry you and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and
I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'


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Deeps and the Chief Gunnery Instructor


It's the early 60s when one of Her Majesty's sleek black messengers of death enters HM Dockyard, Pompey for dry docking. 'Deeps' the Tanky, an able assistant to the Coxswain and oppo of the Leading Chef is instructed to run an errand to Victory Barracks (as it was called back then) by the Jimmy.


Resplendent in his battery acid honed No.8 trousers, salt encrusted steaming boots, off-grey submarine roll neck sweater and nicely yellowed cap with bow strategically placed over his left eye, our hero enters the Barracks. He strolls across the parade ground contemplating lighting up a DF when the strangulated cry of "that ugly creature there" rents the peace.

A Chief Gunnery Instructor, testicles tightly bound with black masking tape to obtain that required pitch, stands quivering on his mirror-like boots with inch thick soles and 200 polished hobnails. Deeps thinks, 'not me, I'm only a visitor' and ambles on.


The Chief of the Parade, who, as we all know, never runs anywhere, walks at great speed, pace stick clenched firmly under his arm. When he gets in front of our hero he places the tip of his pace stick on Deeps' chest to prevent any escape and eyes him up and down.


Deeps, having suffered the wrath of various submarine Chief Stokers, is totally unfazed by this apparition and awaits the next move.

The Chief of the parade, said in a loud bull horn voice: "There is a bit of Poo on the end of my stick."
Deeps replied: "It's not at my end, Chief!"


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Stoker Humour



In a train carriage there was a Lower Level Stoker, an Army Major, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Army Major had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1) The blonde thought - "That Soldier son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Army Major laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

3) The Army Major thought - "That Stoker put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

4) The Stoker thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that Army Major again.


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Courtesy of >> Dits/Humour

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A bloke walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.

Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis. This guy pays his £50.

Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

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Thursday 7 April 2011

*Holy Loch*

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The Holy Loch seen across the Firth of Clyde from Tower Hill, Gourock, with Hunters Quay on the left, and Strone to the right

The Holy Loch (Scottish Gaelic "An Loch Sianta/Seunta") is a sea loch in Argyll and Bute, Scotland.
Robertson's Yard at Sandbank, a village on the loch, was a major wooden boat building company in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.
During World War II, the loch was used a submarine base. From 1961–1992, it was used as a US Polaris nuclear submarine base. In 1992, the Holy Loch base was deemed unnecessary following the demise of the Soviet Union and subsequently withdrawn.

World War II

During World War II the loch was used by the Royal Navy as a submarine base, served by the depot ship HMS Forth (1938). The loch was used extensively for trials and exercises by Royal Navy submarines during the war, the submarines HMS Vandal (P64) and HMS Untamed (P58) were lost in the Clyde after being sunk by accidents during exercises. Untamed was later salvaged.
Near the Holy Loch an anti-submarine boom was constructed between Dunoon and the
Cloch Point Lighthouse to defend waters from German U-boats.


US Navy

Between 1961 and 1992, Holy Loch was the site of the United States Navy's "FBM Refit Site One". It was the home base of Submarine Squadron (SUBRON) 14, part of Submarine Force, U.S. Atlantic Fleet. To make maximum usage of its submarine-launched ballistic missile (SLBM) deterrent force, American military had determined that it required an overseas base for refit and crew

Holy Loch was one of several locations on or near the
Firth of Clyde considered for the refit site. Others were Faslane, the channel between Largs and Cumbrae, Rosneath Bay, and Rothesay Bay. Site selection criteria included the requirements for a sheltered anchorage, relative proximity to an international airport, and sufficient shore facilities to provide housing for military personnel and their families. Agreement for the use of Holy Loch was reached near the end of 1960 and the arrival of the first tender, USS Proteus (AS-19) scheduled for December. Divisions within the British government and concerns about protests by the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament (CND) caused her arrival to be rescheduled to 3 March 1961. turnover.


USS Proteus AS-19

Between 1961 and 1982, the Naval Support Activity ashore was administered by US Naval Activities London. In 1982, Naval Support Activity (NAVSUPPACT), Forward Base, Holy Loch, Scotland became its own command. NAVSUPPACT ultimately managed 42 facilities and leased 342 housing units for Navy personnel and their dependents.
A person of note who served at the Holy Loch was
Laurel Clark, known to her shipmates as “Doc Salton”, who was assigned as the Radiation Health Officer and Undersea Medical Officer at SUBRON 14. “Doc” was one of the astronauts who perished in the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster on 1 February 2003.

In 1992, the base was deemed unnecessary following the demise of the Soviet Union and subsequently withdrawn. The last submarine tender to be based there, the
USS Simon Lake (AS-33), left Holy Loch in June 1992 leading to a major downturn in the local economy and prompting protest from local taxi drivers and publicans. However, the area is becoming vibrant again with new homes having been built and the population expanding once more.
Polaris Tartan

In the 1968 film Ice Station Zebra, reference is made to the Navy base. The 1988 film Down Where The Buffalo Go was centred on the base and focussed on the life of a Navy Shore patrol officer. It was filmed around the base and in Greenock.
Holy Loch is mentioned in both the novel Red Storm Rising by
Tom Clancy and Larry Bond and the computer game from MicroProse based on the book. It is mentioned in the 1982 film Who Dares Wins.
It is mentioned in The Apocalypse Troll by
David Weber as the site that Captain Richard Aston USN sails to after rescuing Ludmilla Leonovna, Terran Marines. He also notes that the tender on duty is the USS McKee (AS-41), and that it now 'nurses' Los Angeles and Seawolf subs, not missile boats. (The McKee was decommissioned on October 1, 1999).
Wiki Here >> Holy Loch US Navy




Geography

Open to the Firth of Clyde at its eastern end, the loch is approximately one mile wide and between two and three miles (5 km) long, varying with the tide. The town of Dunoon on the Cowal peninsula lies on the shores of the Clyde just to the south of the loch, and houses continue round the villages of Kirn, Hunter's Quay at the point with the landing slip for Western Ferries, Ardnadam and past Lazaretto Point, the village of Sandbank, with open countryside at the end of the loch, then on the northern shore Kilmun, and at Strone Point the village of Strone continues round to the western shore of the Clyde, almost joining Blairmore on Loch Long. The name Holy Loch is believed to date from the 6th century, when Saint Munn landed there after leaving Ireland.

All the villages used to have piers served by Clyde steamers, and now Western Ferries runs between Hunters Quay and McInroy's Point on the outskirts of Gourock, while the Caledonian MacBrayne service runs from Dunoon to Gourock pierhead. At the end of the loch a road runs past the Benmore Botanic Garden and Arboretum (also known as the Younger Botanic Gardens) to scenic Loch Eck and on towards Oban.
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